Heart Work

Posted: February 2, 2015 in Uncategorized

HeartWork

Heart work. This is my goal for 2015. Working on my reactions, my perceptions, my emotions. Opening my heart to see the possibilities of another person rather than immediately searching for that “thing” that will justify not trying. You know exactly what I’m talking about…his big nose, his bald spot, he picks food off my plate on a first date, he tries too hard, he tries too little….you name it, I’ve used it. Now, I know I am FAR from perfect, my laugh is obnoxious, I will call you out in a heartbeat, and I have a bit of ADD and OCD, just to name a few. I can’t imagine living with me is a dream, so why am I like that? Well, I think I know. I’ve known for a while actually but I guess I’m now ready to accept it. It is extremely difficult for me to be vulnerable in front of other people in general but to give a man the power to cut my heart, well that’s just insane to me. Or at least it was and still kinda is.

I’ve had 1 real relationship in my life. Yeah, kinda pathetic considering I’m forty freakin three years old huh?   Well there was another important one, but we were literally kids and didn’t know shit about shit so I can’t really call it “real”. That “not real” relationship did however, give me my ever so awesome and handsome son, so I am extremely grateful for it. Ok, back to my point. I’m coming to realize that in this 1 and only real relationship, I did not fully give myself to him. Now, in my defense, he was mean and a cheater so it’s not really my fault, but still. That means I’ve never fully given myself to anyone. Let’s think about that for a minute, I’ll say it again. I have never fully given myself to anyone. Ever. It’s so sad. Seriously, brings tears to my eyes. What is life if you don’t or can’t share of all things, yourself?

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I’ve determined my childhood basically broke me. I knew it messed me up pretty good, but I didn’t think I realized just how much until fairly recently. I love and miss my mom every single day but she was 16 and had demons of her own. Moving in with man after man, most of which physically abused her, passing me off to any family member that would take me so she could party, becoming addicted to drugs, all of it affected me in ways that neither she nor I realized. I know she loved me. I don’t question that. I think she just couldn’t deal with her issues well enough to protect me from forming my own. Waking up in the middle of the night at age 3 to find her gone, being instructed to sit in a chair at 7 years old and watch as her then boyfriend beat her in front of me, coming home at age 14 to find only drug addicts in my house and being asked to help them shoot up….yeah, apparently it all took its toll. Being the psychiatrist that I am, I’ve determined I have abandonment and trust issues.

So, my M.O. the last few years has been to attach myself to unavailable men. I don’t mean married men, I mean men that cannot be with me because they’re broken themselves. I’ve been working on being more open hearted for years now and I can say I have made progress….but in doing so, I’ve in turn chose men that I should’ve known better. I think its the nurturing part of me that wants to help them thinking they’ll help me in return.  I don’t know, I don’t know how to not be broken.

I’d like to end this with something positive and inspirational even though it hasn’t been very much of either. I’m a firm believer in positive thoughts create positive results so…

Positive-Quotes

 

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This may sound a wee bit morbid, but I have always said that I would die in my 40’s.  Seriously.  For as long as I can remember.  I think it started when I was pre-teen and had the motto “Live fast, die young”….which I still pretty much abide.  Well, I will be 43 in October.  Do you know what that means?  That means I don’t have much time left.  Little time to speak words of wisdom to my daughter, to spoil the grandchildren I have yet to be blessed with, but most importantly….to build a lasting, loving, fully devoted relationship with a man.  With such limited time remaining, and all hopes fleeting with every meaningless encounter I have, I’ve decided to write him a letter.

Before I begin, let me just state for the record – now that it’s upon me, I REALLY hope it doesn’t happen. Ok, you may now continue reading the awesomeness of my thoughts.

To Him –

If we had met, you would have thought my obnoxious loud behavior was enduring.

When together, we would have to be touching one another in some way.  No matter what.

We would have been honest and appreciative of each other.

We would have made love in the rain.

We would have constantly made jokes at the others expense while never getting angry or hurt.

We would have made plans.  You would have had great ideas and I would make amazing color coded spreadsheets.

I would have encouraged you in all your dreams and help you realize how you could be more than you thought possible.

We would have laid in bed and you would read to me.  You would stop when you thought I wasn’t listening, take off your glasses and look at me only to find me already looking at you.   We’d laugh.

Your smile would have melted my heart.

We would have taught each other things.

We would have stood up for each other.  Even if one didn’t necessarily agree.

We would have gone to flea markets and antique shows and laughed with old men and women as they shared stories of the old days.

We would have always laughed.  Always.

We would have run out of things to say.  We would have almost felt disconnected.  But we would have both known that this too shall pass.  And it did.

We would have spent hours kissing.  Often.  For no reason.

We would have spent endless hours playing with and spoiling our grandchildren.  We would have been proud.

 

If I die before we meet, I wanted you to know – we would have been happy.

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I was lucky enough to come across this today and although I’d love to claim credit for it, I cannot.  It was written by Anne Theriault and posted here if you’d like to see the original.  Trust me when I tell you, it’s a worthy read!!

Writing A young left handed woman writing

1. Assume that you are loved.

2. Assume that those who love you find some kind of value in you and the things you do.

3. Assume, however, that you don’t need to be valuable in order to be worthy of love.

4. Assume that there is no one out there keeping a tally of all of your failings, ready to throw it in your face when you’re either feeling too good or too awful about yourself.

5. Assume that if anyone actually is keeping a tally of all your failings, that act says more about them than it does about you.

6. Assume that you can’t make all of the people happy all of the time; maybe not even some of the people some of the time.

7. Assume that you will, over the course of your life, sometimes anger or disappoint the people you love.

8. Assume that when this happens, it isn’t the end of the world, even if that’s what it feels like.

9. Assume that there is never an end to learning, or growing, or discovering.

10. Assume that you will always find a way out, even when all the doors slam shut and everything feels impossible.

11. Assume that sometimes earnestness and optimism can trump irony and cynicism.

12. Assume that it’s possible to recapture the way you felt when you were young, how the perfect clockwork mechanism of the universe used to leave you breathless and giddy with wonder.

13. Assume that there will always be more stories to tell, or at the very least new ways of reinterpreting old fables.

14. Assume that nothing is permanent, that someday even the sun will disappear; remember that everything we see and touch and taste is made of stars that grew and pulsed and died long before this planet ever existed.

15. Assume that you are under some kind of obligation to make the world a better place.

Hello friends…long time no post!  Luckily, I am still getting a few hits here and there so at least I know people are still reading!  I’ve had a hella couple months so I apologize for not keeping up with my writing.  Below is a letter I have written that I will never send, I’ll just post it for the whole world to see except him. (haha)  I’m doing this for closure on my end because well, I’m a girl and I need that.  I, of course, have changed his name for privacy.  I’m not sure this will be a very entertaining post due to the emotional crap that comes with it and some of it probably won’t make much sense to you but I need to get it all out for my own mental health.  Also, I feel the need to apologize in advance for subjecting all of you to my emo bullshit.

Dear Jalapeno:

I can’t believe after everything that was said and done we are here…again.  After being my OCD self and over thinking/analyzing this almost to the point of mental instability, I have come to a few realizations.

First of all, I refuse to believe you were lying when you said I was the first person you enjoyed kissing.  I refuse to believe the passion and intensity in the beginning wasn’t real and I also refuse to believe the alone times, just hanging out talking weren’t as awesome for you as they were for me.  I was there; I remember the look in your eyes and the words that were said.  I felt it and I know you did too.  I’ve said this before but I have to say it again….you have NO IDEA how hard it is for me to actually get to the point where I want to try and regardless of being scared for several reasons, I really did try.  When we had the sex talk and both decided it best to wait, I honestly felt like you were the first man I had ever met that was actually on the same page as me.

Time passed and then the wigging out stage begins.  For reasons I’m not 100% sure of, things start to change.  You start pulling away…the PDA stops, I begin to the be one initiating the make out sessions, the conversations slow…this continues for a few weeks and I finally tell you “you suck”…and BOOM you tell me not to fall in love with you.  Wait….WHAT??? You are in reconfigure yourself mode, you don’t want to hurt me, and your heads messed up…blah blah blah.  Want to know what I thought? I thought you were scared.  I thought you were starting to feel things with me that scared the fuck out of you and you freaked.  Then, due to your freak out – I freak out.  I mean, what exactly is the correct way to handle being told “don’t fall in love with me”? I assumed the slow down and that statement meant you didn’t want me.  I left you alone and a week later there you were…wanting me again.  And due to the intensiveness with “us”, I go right back.  I couldn’t help myself, I missed you but more importantly I missed us.

Let me just say – I can read you like a fucking book! The minute something starts to sketch you out, I instantly feel it…and that’s why I refuse to believe a lot of things and why I also know a few things.  So, there we are and things aren’t better.  You were still holding back.  After a few weeks of status quo on my part, I start to “see” you’re on your phone all the time texting and walking away to talk.  Then, after trying to make plans and you hemming and hawing with statements like “I can’t this week”, “that day just isn’t good for me” you finally say “I have plans with my friend all day” And THAT’S when the clouds finally part and I finally see the sunlight.  There is someone else.  Your ex? Ya know the one you swore you were done with because of the insane relationship you shared or maybe a new twinkie?  Who, I’m not sure of, but I do know there is someone else.  And as sick as this is to admit, the first thought that ran thru my head was “maybe he just needs to do this to determine how he feels about me”.  I mean – REALLY????  What the fuck?? The strong woman I thought I was would never think such thoughts – she would call you a fucking tool and be done.  Apparently, she got lost in this whole mess.

So now I’m sitting here feeling like a total and complete fool.  Was the reconfiguring just too hard? Did you decide that having something real was just too much work? Regardless of your reasons, I think you’re a coward and I am ashamed of you.  You should have never told me the things you did and you shouldn’t have came back. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to trust you so easily and I’m ashamed of my weak thoughts.

I just want to give you mad props for your supreme mind fuck.  Job well done and good for you.

The one you’ll regret fucking over,

~Chellendipity~

April started off great but has quickly gone downhill. On the 4th I was told I was going to be laid off on the 27th.  Don’t get me wrong, having a beach bum summer sounds amazing but I cannot foresee my finances being as thrilled about it as my brain.  Also, Jack whom I mentioned in “I Feel Like a Girl Once Again” decided somewhere between – “I can’t believe we waited this long” and taking hour long showers together that mostly consisted of us sitting in the tub letting the water hit us while we were all wrapped up with each other just talking (total fucking amazingness) that I wasn’t important enough to speak to.  Busy or not, it takes 2 seconds to send a text and that text would have worked wonders for me.  I’m disappointed.  Not nice.  Not nice at all.  FUCK!!

But wait, like a bad late night infomercial, THERE’S MORE!!  A few days after Jack and I started “talking” (for lack of a better word), a FB friend (we’ll call him Joe) asked me out.  With being totally geeked up about Jack as well as a one guy at a time kinda girl, I respectfully declined and explained why.  Joe seemed nice enough, I just can’t do the whole date as many guys as possible thing.  I need to like you to go out with you and I need to really like you to sleep with you, and past experience (One Day Closer to the Cat Lady) has proven even really liking you could backfire!  My point is, he accepted it.  Then all this went down with Jack and I posted a status on FB that read “another one bites the dust”.  If you read my blog you know what that means but I don’t promo on FB so most did not.  I don’t promo on there because, well, I’m obnoxious on there and although I am here as well, I am also pretty open here.  Weird that I’m ok with total and complete strangers knowing intimate details about my life but not people I actually know….yeah, I don’t make much sense but whatever.  Totally off subject here….my point is since I have posted that status Joe has started texting/emailing.  First of all – I don’t really know him and from what I do know, I think he’s too sensitive and I will end up eating and spitting him out in a matter of weeks.  He’ll take offense to the guys on my page saying the things they do (I’m raunch friendly) he’ll get all weird when I tell him to STFU…basically, I just don’t think he can handle my crazy. Secondly – he has been “talking” to a very good friend of mine as well.  I don’t have all of the details right now, but I do know he was trying with her two nights ago and then asked me out last night.  HA!  Slow your roll there Mr. Playa…do you really think we weren’t going to discuss you?  And if so, did you really think we would be ok with this? Boys are fucking idiots!!!!  I’m am currently waiting for her to wake up so I can get the low down on what happened last night so I can call him out on it.  This will be the highlight of my Wednesday! haha  Regardless of all of that, every time I get something from Joe via text or email, Jack pops into my head and I think, “why can’t Jack be doing this?”  Clearly I’m not ready to let it go.  Hey, I told you this one burnt me good – don’t judge.  FUCK!!

Then we have this old friend of mine, who I was once very close too.  My ex and I were very close to him and his wife…and now everyone is divorced or in my case, no longer living in sin.  Within the last few months he has sent me emails jam packed full of compliments…which were sweet but awkward at the same time.  I cannot in any way shape or form date him for moral reasons even if I were interested in that way, which I am not.  Yeah, well guess who shows up where my wingman and I were at last week? That would be him.  Guess who left me alone with him last week?  That would be my wingman.  Guess who ended up getting his lips planted on her due to being left high and dry last week? That would be me!  Now, it was in no way a bad kiss.  It was nice but I stopped it and left as quickly as possible because he is who he is and I am who I am and it just cannot happen.  FUCK! 

I saved this one for last because this one is the one that I will get the most slack about.  There is this guy, who shamelessly flirts with me and has done so even before Jack *sigh* <—-yes, apparently whenever his name is mentioned, whether it be his fake blog name or real, I sigh like a fuckin idiot.  Anyway this other guy – he’s funny, cute, has tats, not tall enough but totally workable….there’s only one catch.  He’s married – now stop judging and read the rest – which is why NOTHING HAS EVER HAPPENED.  I just frequent hanging out where he is and let him boost my ego.  I’m not really proud of it, but at least I’m being honest.  It should be known that boosting my ego only works when his wife doesn’t sit down next to me!  FUCK!

With all that said, I realize its not like I don’t get attention.  But this comes in spurts and always has.  The minute I get into something with someone, the boys seem to pop out of the woodwork.  It doesn’t last very long and 99.8% of the time, the attention comes from boys that I am either not interested in or can’t have.   And then there will be silence….silence for months and months and MONTHS!

The moral of this blog? There isn’t one.  I just wanted to say FUCK a lot. 

Don’t ask me what happened because I have no idea.  Somehow or another we went from super excited to him ignoring me in the span of 3 weeks.  Either I have a sign above my head that only boys see that says “Only good for a fuck” or I am so emotionally unavailable I make them run…or both.   This one burnt me so good I’m pretty sure I’ll have a scar.

After months and months AND MONTHS of nothing, this past Tuesday I was wonderfully surprised with some attention.  Some patiently awaited and warmly welcomed attention from a gentleman that I have had a crush on for some time now.  And by some time, we’re talking YEARS!  You know how it goes, you like someone but one of you is seeing someone and by the time you’re free, the other has something started with someone else. The timing was always off for one reason or another. 

I’m going to call him Jack for blogging purposes.  Jack and I have known each other a few years now and have always had a flirty relationship, but I flirt with everyone so I had no idea if the crush would be reciprocated.  A few years ago, I ran into him after not seeing him for a while and I told him of my crush.  Of course the timing was off, but his honesty was admirable.  We’ve hung out in social situations but have never had any real one on one time…until Tuesday.

I want to state for the record that having a boy you like grab your face and kiss you, really kiss you like he means it, then look you in square in the eye and say “do you know how long I’ve wanted to do that” is nothing short of amazing.

I don’t know what will happen from here but even if it turns into nothing, that kiss made/makes me scream – hallelujah, praise the lord, thank you sweet baby Jesus – I FEEL LIKE A GIRL AGAIN!!!!!!!

Everyone has heard about the “He’s Just Not into You” rules and I basically agree with them but I am now starting to wonder. What if boys are thinking the same thing? What if he is sitting there waiting for me to call and thinking, well if she doesn’t call then I guess she’s not into me? Back in the day, the lines were clearly drawn…boys did the pursuing and girls said yes or no. In today’s world where hook ups and sex with random strangers are common, do boys want the girl to do the pursuing? Or better yet, do they expect it? How does a girl express interest without being considered too aggressive or not aggressive enough? Where is the line and what crosses it?

Rule #1. You shouldn’t ask a boy out. If you have to ask him out – “he’s just not into you.”  I have never had an issue with asking someone to hang out, but have always initially kept it on a “friend” level. Like – hey, a bunch of my friends and I are going to X, you should come. I have never simply asked a boy – hey, do you want to go out on Saturday? Is there a difference? Should I be more aggressive? With an already “blunt” personality, I’m afraid it would frighten them even more than I already do!

Rule #2. If he doesn’t call you for 2 weeks, “he’s just not that into you.” The question I asked earlier applies here. What if he is sitting there thinking, well if she hasn’t called she must not be into me? And with text messaging so common, is it wrong to text him if he hasn’t called you?

Rule #3. You shouldn’t have to call him. He will do anything to get to you if he is into you. This makes me think of the saying “never make someone a priority in your life when you’re an option in theirs”. But this too can be reversed – what if he’s thinking, well she never calls me I guess she’s not interested?

Rule #4. He’s going to make you feel comfortable and be upfront about what he wants out of the relationship immediately. If he’s not, you guessed it, “he’s just not that into you.” Do you know any boys that are immediately forthcoming with this kind of information? I, a 40 year old woman who has been single for 10 years, have NEVER had a boy come to me and say – this is what I’m looking for and I’m hoping you agree….or any closely related version of that. But then again, I haven’t gotten past the 3 month mark with a guy in….well hell, like in 10 years so what do I know.

Rule #5. He’s not shy, “he’s just not into you.” Why does everything have to be so damn confusing??? What if he IS shy? There are boys in the world that are shy, they do exist, so then what? Seriously tell me, what then????

Rule #6. If he is not asking you out, “he’s just not that into you.” This rule is the same as #1 to me. I think it’s an actual repeat of #1, #2, #3, #5 and #7! They all boil down to the same thing, if he isn’t calling/texting/asking then he’s just not interested. And I do believe that, my question is, how far does a girl go in her pursuit? What is too far, what crosses the line?

Rule #7. If he doesn’t return a call or text (no matter what), you shouldn’t give a guy the benefit of the doubt, “he’s just not that into you.” This is the only one I am a 100% believer of. If a girl has made the effort, sent the text or made the call and he doesn’t return it – then stop obsessing and just move on.   But according to the other rules, we wouldn’t have gotten this far because the girl shouldn’t be doing any calling or texting…right???

A friend recently asked me why I thought I was still single. I replied with a big sigh and a “fuck if I know”!! He thinks it’s because I have a “bold” personality and boys in general don’t want to be whipped so they stay away. I laughed it off when he said it. I mean, if a guy spent any amount of time with me he would see that I am the last person to make demands or put someone in their place and it’s the furthest thing from what I want. Yes I am blunt. Yes I will call anyone out on bullshit. Yes I will make fun of you (but if I do, it means I like you). Will I disrespect you? Never. Will I pick a fight and cause a scene? Never. If proven worthy, will I be the most loyal person you have ever known? Abso-fuckin-lutely.

I would like it stated for the record, I hate this shit. I don’t understand why it has to be so fuckin complicated! It should be as easy as – I like you, do you like me? Who gives a shit who says it first!!!