Jalapeno and The Mind Fuck Supreme

Hello friends…long time no post!  Luckily, I am still getting a few hits here and there so at least I know people are still reading!  I’ve had a hella couple months so I apologize for not keeping up with my writing.  Below is a letter I have written that I will never send, I’ll just post it for the whole world to see except him. (haha)  I’m doing this for closure on my end because well, I’m a girl and I need that.  I, of course, have changed his name for privacy.  I’m not sure this will be a very entertaining post due to the emotional crap that comes with it and some of it probably won’t make much sense to you but I need to get it all out for my own mental health.  Also, I feel the need to apologize in advance for subjecting all of you to my emo bullshit.

Dear Jalapeno:

I can’t believe after everything that was said and done we are here…again.  After being my OCD self and over thinking/analyzing this almost to the point of mental instability, I have come to a few realizations.

First of all, I refuse to believe you were lying when you said I was the first person you enjoyed kissing.  I refuse to believe the passion and intensity in the beginning wasn’t real and I also refuse to believe the alone times, just hanging out talking weren’t as awesome for you as they were for me.  I was there; I remember the look in your eyes and the words that were said.  I felt it and I know you did too.  I’ve said this before but I have to say it again….you have NO IDEA how hard it is for me to actually get to the point where I want to try and regardless of being scared for several reasons, I really did try.  When we had the sex talk and both decided it best to wait, I honestly felt like you were the first man I had ever met that was actually on the same page as me.

Time passed and then the wigging out stage begins.  For reasons I’m not 100% sure of, things start to change.  You start pulling away…the PDA stops, I begin to the be one initiating the make out sessions, the conversations slow…this continues for a few weeks and I finally tell you “you suck”…and BOOM you tell me not to fall in love with you.  Wait….WHAT??? You are in reconfigure yourself mode, you don’t want to hurt me, and your heads messed up…blah blah blah.  Want to know what I thought? I thought you were scared.  I thought you were starting to feel things with me that scared the fuck out of you and you freaked.  Then, due to your freak out – I freak out.  I mean, what exactly is the correct way to handle being told “don’t fall in love with me”? I assumed the slow down and that statement meant you didn’t want me.  I left you alone and a week later there you were…wanting me again.  And due to the intensiveness with “us”, I go right back.  I couldn’t help myself, I missed you but more importantly I missed us.

Let me just say – I can read you like a fucking book! The minute something starts to sketch you out, I instantly feel it…and that’s why I refuse to believe a lot of things and why I also know a few things.  So, there we are and things aren’t better.  You were still holding back.  After a few weeks of status quo on my part, I start to “see” you’re on your phone all the time texting and walking away to talk.  Then, after trying to make plans and you hemming and hawing with statements like “I can’t this week”, “that day just isn’t good for me” you finally say “I have plans with my friend all day” And THAT’S when the clouds finally part and I finally see the sunlight.  There is someone else.  Your ex? Ya know the one you swore you were done with because of the insane relationship you shared or maybe a new twinkie?  Who, I’m not sure of, but I do know there is someone else.  And as sick as this is to admit, the first thought that ran thru my head was “maybe he just needs to do this to determine how he feels about me”.  I mean – REALLY????  What the fuck?? The strong woman I thought I was would never think such thoughts – she would call you a fucking tool and be done.  Apparently, she got lost in this whole mess.

So now I’m sitting here feeling like a total and complete fool.  Was the reconfiguring just too hard? Did you decide that having something real was just too much work? Regardless of your reasons, I think you’re a coward and I am ashamed of you.  You should have never told me the things you did and you shouldn’t have came back. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to trust you so easily and I’m ashamed of my weak thoughts.

I just want to give you mad props for your supreme mind fuck.  Job well done and good for you.

The one you’ll regret fucking over,

~Chellendipity~

Eff You See Kay.

April started off great but has quickly gone downhill. On the 4^th I was told I was going to be laid off on the 27^th.  Don’t get me wrong, having a beach bum summer sounds amazing but I cannot foresee my finances being as thrilled about it as my brain.  Also, Jack whom I mentioned in “I Feel Like a Girl Once Again” decided somewhere between – “I can’t believe we waited this long” and taking hour long showers together that mostly consisted of us sitting in the tub letting the water hit us while we were all wrapped up with each other just talking (total fucking amazingness) that I wasn’t important enough to speak to.  Busy or not, it takes 2 seconds to send a text and that text would have worked wonders for me.  I’m disappointed.  Not nice.  Not nice at all.  FUCK!!

But wait, like a bad late night infomercial, THERE’S MORE!!  A few days after Jack and I started “talking” (for lack of a better word), a FB friend (we’ll call him Joe) asked me out.  With being totally geeked up about Jack as well as a one guy at a time kinda girl, I respectfully declined and explained why.  Joe seemed nice enough, I just can’t do the whole date as many guys as possible thing.  I need to like you to go out with you and I need to really like you to sleep with you, and past experience (One Day Closer to the Cat Lady) has proven even really liking you could backfire!  My point is, he accepted it.  Then all this went down with Jack and I posted a status on FB that read “another one bites the dust”.  If you read my blog you know what that means but I don’t promo on FB so most did not.  I don’t promo on there because, well, I’m obnoxious on there and although I am here as well, I am also pretty open here.  Weird that I’m ok with total and complete strangers knowing intimate details about my life but not people I actually know….yeah, I don’t make much sense but whatever.  Totally off subject here….my point is since I have posted that status Joe has started texting/emailing.  First of all – I don’t really know him and from what I do know, I think he’s too sensitive and I will end up eating and spitting him out in a matter of weeks.  He’ll take offense to the guys on my page saying the things they do (I’m raunch friendly) he’ll get all weird when I tell him to STFU…basically, I just don’t think he can handle my crazy. Secondly – he has been “talking” to a very good friend of mine as well.  I don’t have all of the details right now, but I do know he was trying with her two nights ago and then asked me out last night.  HA!  Slow your roll there Mr. Playa…do you really think we weren’t going to discuss you?  And if so, did you really think we would be ok with this? Boys are fucking idiots!!!!  I’m am currently waiting for her to wake up so I can get the low down on what happened last night so I can call him out on it.  This will be the highlight of my Wednesday! haha  Regardless of all of that, every time I get something from Joe via text or email, Jack pops into my head and I think, “why can’t Jack be doing this?”  Clearly I’m not ready to let it go.  Hey, I told you this one burnt me good – don’t judge.  FUCK!!

Then we have this old friend of mine, who I was once very close too.  My ex and I were very close to him and his wife…and now everyone is divorced or in my case, no longer living in sin.  Within the last few months he has sent me emails jam packed full of compliments…which were sweet but awkward at the same time.  I cannot in any way shape or form date him for moral reasons even if I were interested in that way, which I am not.  Yeah, well guess who shows up where my wingman and I were at last week? That would be him.  Guess who left me alone with him last week?  That would be my wingman.  Guess who ended up getting his lips planted on her due to being left high and dry last week? That would be me!  Now, it was in no way a bad kiss.  It was nice but I stopped it and left as quickly as possible because he is who he is and I am who I am and it just cannot happen.  FUCK! 

I saved this one for last because this one is the one that I will get the most slack about.  There is this guy, who shamelessly flirts with me and has done so even before Jack *sigh* <—-yes, apparently whenever his name is mentioned, whether it be his fake blog name or real, I sigh like a fuckin idiot.  Anyway this other guy – he’s funny, cute, has tats, not tall enough but totally workable….there’s only one catch.  He’s married – now stop judging and read the rest – which is why NOTHING HAS EVER HAPPENED.  I just frequent hanging out where he is and let him boost my ego.  I’m not really proud of it, but at least I’m being honest.  It should be known that boosting my ego only works when his wife doesn’t sit down next to me!  FUCK!

With all that said, I realize its not like I don’t get attention.  But this comes in spurts and always has.  The minute I get into something with someone, the boys seem to pop out of the woodwork.  It doesn’t last very long and 99.8% of the time, the attention comes from boys that I am either not interested in or can’t have.   And then there will be silence….silence for months and months and MONTHS!

The moral of this blog? There isn’t one.  I just wanted to say FUCK a lot. 

Happy Birthday Mom

Tomorrow would have been my mom’s 58^th birthday. This year marks 17 years since I have seen her face, held her hand or wiped her tears.  We talked every day and shared everything without exception.  She was ruthlessly honest and I returned the favor.  She never failed to show me love and I knew without a doubt that she was on my side regardless of the situation.  She taught me to live without fear, to love myself for who I am, to accept others without judgment and of course, to love the finer things in life like cigarettes and beer! (lol) She was a very talented and beautiful woman and I miss her…I miss lying on the couch listening to her play guitar and sing (which would drive me insane when I was a kid).  I miss her soup beans and cornbread.  I miss her ridiculously loud infectious laugh (I inherited the loud part btw). But most of all, I miss her voice telling me she loves me. 

Happy Birthday Mom.

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates….

 

People call me Forrest. Forrest Gump.

Today I am having a day when I wish I was more like Forrest.  I love him.  He looks at everything as if it were full of hope and promise.  I can’t see the hope and promise today.  Maybe it’s because my mom’s birthday is coming up, maybe it’s because my ego was recently bruised or maybe it’s because it’s almost “that time”…who knows.  All I know for sure is – I’m in a funk. 

Everything and everyone is stupid.  Co-workers approach me with work related items and the thoughts that are running through my head are – “who taught you how to dress?” or “your comb over isn’t fooling anyone ya fat bald fuck”.  I know, I know, it’s bad.  So I thought I should blog.  Maybe, just maybe it will help.

I think my big problem right now is I keep playing the “what if” game over and over again in my head.  How do I stop that?  I mean, seriously!  It’s becoming worse and worse the older I get.  I’d go to the doctor if I thought for one minute he/she wouldn’t try to put me on some magic pill.  I don’t buy into that whole thing.  There are about A MEGABILLION different pills out there for everything.  I’m sorry, but I’d rather just drink.  Might not help in the long run but it will for the night and one night of relief is better than nothing in my book.    

I'm gonna drink this beer because beer makes me AWESOME!

This whole “blogging will make it better” is NOT working.  It boils down to four things that make me happy.  Sex, stilettos, boys with tattoo’s and alcohol.  Since I’m surely not getting any nookie, I’m going to put on some SUPER AWESOME shoes/boots and find some boys with tattoo’s to flirt with while I get my drink on!  And yes, I do realize its only Monday – who cares.  Beer makes me awesome EVERY day. 

Why you ask? Because… 

And that’s all I hafta say ’bout that!